Anxiety is a Motherf***er. Yes I said it and we all have been thinking it. I have been dealing with anxiety since I was 12. Or maybe I had it my whole life and it just decided not to make my life difficult until I was 12.. It can be exhausting and overwhelming. 

When I was young it manifested itself in tears and hyperventilation. I missed quite a bit of my 6th grade year afraid to even go to school. Therapists to try to find coping mechanisms, find root causes, or triggers to my anxiety that I could learn to avoid. I decided to switch schools. I went from catholic to public and just like that anxiety felt like it was gone. Like I kicked it to the curb and it would never return. But that’s not how having anxiety works. After another year it started to come back but in smaller more manageable waves. I made excuses for why I couldn’t do things with friends or why I didn’t want to go on family trips with friends. I did end up making a few good friends along the way that also dealt with anxiety. You know who you are, so thank you for helping feel like what I was struggling with was in fact okay and could be managed. 

Recently I have been pretty anxious. Nail biting is in full force. Having a hard time falling asleep. Patience is thin but I try my best not to get overwhelmed. Constantly checking to make sure my kids are breathing while they are asleep. Having a hard time staying still…which honestly this last one has been beneficial cause I finally found the motivation to deep clean my house and get organized. So guess there is one upside. However, having kids has turned my anxiety into a constant static background noise that every once in a while or if it gets triggered by something can get really bad. What does it sound like when anxiety is really bad you may ask.. The code blue bell. If you don’t know what that is, consider yourself lucky. I hope you never have to hear thatThose crashes can be hard to manage or explain but crying and hyperventilation can cripple me in a corner. I know what some triggers are but I think as you age those triggers evolve or new ones develop. I’m willing to share some triggers: money, the news reports, fear for my girls’ futures, chaos, mild changes in Jocelyn’s condition, staying in new places, my children getting COVID, going out shopping places alone, and driving. Those are just a few, some may be relatable I’m sure but most are specific to me. 

How have I been coping? Honestly not well. Been cleaning a lot. Been trying to find things to distract myself like online window shopping but that only goes so far. Sometimes it’s just best to wait for it to pass and hope it does soon. I know that’s not a great method but I’m human and a mother so my priorities always lie with my children first. I agree I need to find something, an outlet to help me cope. And I believe I will start exploring those options. I hear yoga is helpful, but when I find what works for me I’ll be happy to share.

No, I don’t take anything for it. I have always grown up in a family where you don’t take something unless you absolutely need it. Maybe it’s where my high tolerance of pain comes from but I just don’t feel like it’s at the point where I cannot manage or function. For those that do receive medication or see a therapist good for you! I aim to empower, so you do for your mental health what you feel is necessary. 

I just want other mothers to understand you are not alone. Whether your child does or doesn’t have medical condition(s) anxiety is still something anyone can have. I never really talk much or disclose that much about my mental health. However since starting this blog I think it’s important to share that I do struggle. That it’s okay to struggle. To ask for help when you feel you need a few minutes to breathe. It’s hard being a mom. It’s a truly demanding job. If you stay at home or work full time anxiety truly doesn’t discriminate. Momma’s keep your head up your doing amazing. Yes anxiety is a motherf***er but it doesn’t define you. And I certainly will not let it define me.